[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
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I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Me: a calm, methodical Navy SEAL when I clog my own toilet
Also me: a terrified, incapable, frozen idiot when I clog yours
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
Skills
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
(Musicians.)
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.