IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
You Might Also Like
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.