Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
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Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
WIFE:The pinata is in the tree out back
ME:Huh? I sent the kids to the one in front
W:What one in front?
*angry bees are just everywhere*
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like