I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
You Might Also Like
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
😂😂😂
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
I have so many questions.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
selena gomez
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars