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My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
whatcha thinkin bout
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.