dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
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The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.