Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
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all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
My life coach traded me.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?
Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist