“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”
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Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
I would like even faster food.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.