Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
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POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: is this the man who robbed u
*holds up picture of himself*
ME: yes
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: give me ur wallet
ME: dang it
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
The real reason evolution started..😂
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
I am patiently waiting for your email
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*