After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
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I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.