I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
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Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]
customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too
me: he’s not on the menu
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage