My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
You Might Also Like
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Strangers have the best candy.
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
My daughter telling me not to worry because she got her own allowance from my purse did not have the effect she intended
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…