*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
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[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he’s a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I’m a drug dealer
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I prefer to date a man after I see how well he treats his wife.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
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Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out