Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
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what’s the point then??
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?