Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
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3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.