“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
You Might Also Like
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”
My 3yo said ‘mummy’ 6,358 times today and I can’t find the page in the parenting book that tells you what to do when they malfunction
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
The 3 Little Pigs Story teaches us that if you use cheap building materials, you deserve to be murdered by a stranger.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
こいつ天才
*jingles half the way*
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?