In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
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They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?