My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
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“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
found my next D&D character name
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
Ron is short for Aaronald
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.