taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
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My life in a nutshell
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
scientist: what do u know about atoms
me: very little
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Uh oh…
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.