Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
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I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Fun Fact:
If you flick your wife’s nipple really hard while she’s sleeping, it’s extremely funny … for about 3 seconds.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Good point.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this