there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
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ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
It didn’t intend to write my 7-year-old’s school paper for him but I thought it was best for both of us I take over when he asked me how to spell serial killer.
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Someone just wished me “Happy Holidays” and I was so offended. How DARE someone assume I’d ever want to be happy.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?