forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
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[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
lol
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
✌️
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?