If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
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Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water