“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
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I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated 🧐
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Merry Christmas
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.