Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
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I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you’re entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?