It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
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Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
No, YOUR illiterate.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*