For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
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Wife: I just wanted our honeymoon to be special.
Me holding 2 Nintendo64 controllers: Me too, but you need to hurry and pick a character.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
MAGICIAN: Think of a number, any number.
ME: *thinks for a bit* …k
MAGICIAN: That is a letter.
ME: omg ur right
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
This a good idea
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?