Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
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Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Morning.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
“i miss shittin on people”
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
When you’re here for the treats.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers