Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
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I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
A no carb diet can make you detached, remote and standoffish so occasionally you should eat aloof of bread.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”