“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
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[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
[restaurant]
date: this chicken is a little dry
me: I think my burger‘s undercooked
waiter: how is everything
me: it’s great
date: so good
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂