date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
You Might Also Like
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.