[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
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[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.