Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
You Might Also Like
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.