I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
You Might Also Like
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.