[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
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Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
the red hot silly peppers
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.