non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
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[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names