“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
You Might Also Like
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell