The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
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Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Wikigenius
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
yeah 😭
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?