Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
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Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else鈥檚 pants??
wife: you鈥檙e drunk
me: I鈥檓 not the one who鈥檚 all blurry Carol
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
Do men still open car doors?
That 馃憡
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It鈥檚 by me, if you see it.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”