“I came downstairs for a zip of juice and noticed the tv was gone so I called you guys”
[cop stops writing] did you say zip of juice?
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i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
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