*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Whoever named the ring tone was phoning it in.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist