Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
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5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap