“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
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*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
OH. COME. ON.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
💯😂
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
Bruh PLEASE
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.