Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
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God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
bugs when you lift up a rock
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
I have obtained a hat
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
won’t smith
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.