Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
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“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
Are you a cat person or a person person?
I would never cheat in a relationship
because that would require two people finding me attractive.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??