Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
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HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
No chill.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
You can tell a lot about a person just by noticing how they continue to talk after you’ve sighed six or seven times.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.