When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
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Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.