Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
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yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
Son: Teach me to fight
Me: You don’t fight with these *makes fists* You fight with this *points to head*
[later]
Principal: Your son’s been head butting kids on the playground
Me: *nods sagely* Just as I taught him
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
[speed dating]
Her: THIS IS NICE
Me: I’M HAVING FUN TOO
Her: WHAT KIND OF DRUG DID YOU SAY THIS WAS?
Me: IT’S CALLED SPEED
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
*combines 2% and 1% to create 3% milk*
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.