The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
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take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
#catsoftwitter
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Doctor: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in my bed
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.