ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
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Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.